Update #9 - Unknown Pleasure
I'm not miserable and I'm not happy, I guess you could say that I'm in the doldrums. Everything and anything that I used to receive gratification from has become meaningless to me. I quit my door factory job about 3 weeks ago with the hope of having some fun before I started Uni but I've done close to nothing. I sleep in past noon get up and mope until my brother comes home from school. I make his tea and then continue until I got to bed at 2. I want to find pleasure in something and I have a burning desire to do something but there is something holding me back. The monkey? My friends have time for each other about once per week and that is usually filled with a trip to the shitty clubs in Dundee. I used to like going out to a club, but now its just a 4 hour miserable slog watching the type of people I can't stand circle jerk each other. Not to mention that the music in a standard club is diabolically bad.
Friday was OK I guess but towards the end of the night all I could think about was how I wasn't intoxicated enough to deal with the people around me. Surrounded by people trying to have a good time and I still felt alienated from the crowd. The music was above average, the people were above average (still teaming with chavs and pseudo hard men) yet I felt only slightly better than my usual miserable. Probably because I couldn't help but look at the attractive females in attendance and kick myself for inability to converse with them.
Going out isn't the only thing that's lost its sense of fulfilment, I can't seen any merit in the close to 1000 pictures I've taken this year. That's 1000 different images not a burst shot from a digital camera. My brother seems to like some of them but I'm struggling to see anything in them. I have a desire to be original in composition and at the same time fit the current trend of taking pictures of total nothingness, colour grading, adding a white border and maybe even some more grain for good measure. Meanwhile the type of pictures I like the most, the kind that contain people (except for fake 'candid' pictures which I can't stand) I'm either to scared to ask to take or I have no one interested. HMU if you read this and like portraits.
And finally I have lost the my musical interest, although it's the only one with a light at the end of a tunnel as I can see it peaking through (paraphrasing the Bard of Dundee Michael Marra). I have forced myself to listen to albums fully again and that seems to be helping.
I could make a totally crass comparison of all this to sexual pleasure (I really hope my family doesn't read this). I have found myself less and less 'motivated' over the past year, No Nut November would be no problem now. I would probably need a drastic change to resurrect that, or maybe because despite what I want to think I'm not 14 anymore and that just happens with age. The drastic change would change of course being an upgrade from palm and her five friends ;).
I do hope though once I start University there will be enough change in my life to stave away the mundanity of my current condition. The way I see it is by 2050 the world will be in flames and If I've already lived half my life I need to make the best of what I have.
I'm not the first to have Unknown Pleasures, but I hope not to end up like the writer of the original.
Friday was OK I guess but towards the end of the night all I could think about was how I wasn't intoxicated enough to deal with the people around me. Surrounded by people trying to have a good time and I still felt alienated from the crowd. The music was above average, the people were above average (still teaming with chavs and pseudo hard men) yet I felt only slightly better than my usual miserable. Probably because I couldn't help but look at the attractive females in attendance and kick myself for inability to converse with them.
Going out isn't the only thing that's lost its sense of fulfilment, I can't seen any merit in the close to 1000 pictures I've taken this year. That's 1000 different images not a burst shot from a digital camera. My brother seems to like some of them but I'm struggling to see anything in them. I have a desire to be original in composition and at the same time fit the current trend of taking pictures of total nothingness, colour grading, adding a white border and maybe even some more grain for good measure. Meanwhile the type of pictures I like the most, the kind that contain people (except for fake 'candid' pictures which I can't stand) I'm either to scared to ask to take or I have no one interested. HMU if you read this and like portraits.
And finally I have lost the my musical interest, although it's the only one with a light at the end of a tunnel as I can see it peaking through (paraphrasing the Bard of Dundee Michael Marra). I have forced myself to listen to albums fully again and that seems to be helping.
I could make a totally crass comparison of all this to sexual pleasure (I really hope my family doesn't read this). I have found myself less and less 'motivated' over the past year, No Nut November would be no problem now. I would probably need a drastic change to resurrect that, or maybe because despite what I want to think I'm not 14 anymore and that just happens with age. The drastic change would change of course being an upgrade from palm and her five friends ;).
I do hope though once I start University there will be enough change in my life to stave away the mundanity of my current condition. The way I see it is by 2050 the world will be in flames and If I've already lived half my life I need to make the best of what I have.
I'm not the first to have Unknown Pleasures, but I hope not to end up like the writer of the original.
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