Are my thoughts individual, are they complete?

09/11/2020

    Recently I find myself wondering more and more about whether my feelings are my own or if they belong to  many other people. Do I feel the way I do because that is how it is written, or am I compelled to feel this by a desire to fit a normal. Normal is the perceived ideal that I observe through social media and in my day to day life. Normal is seen in all forms of literature, normal does not necessarily fit my your status quo, but it it must fit mine. Even if I try so hard to reject the ideas presented as ideal, the alternatives just start to present themselves as ideals. It's a worrying thought that I may not control my own feelings, thoughts and resulting actions as much as I would like. 

There is also the persisting worry I find myself having; that I may think I have a complete thought on something, but then I cannot transcribe it to words. In a way, I cannot quantify my emotions. I find that strong feelings strike me then leave me very quickly, I cannot grasp the idea and mould into something constructive. My mind it seems, is becoming polluted with existential problems, problems that I cannot even fully manifest.

This may end up reading as incongruent ramblings, but this is written as it comes into my mind. 

There are many other things I find myself questioning. Questioning is something I would like to forget. I would rather have myself nursing a broken heart than persistently questioning my own existence. 

Whoever may find themselves reading this, I hope I don't appear to be a mentalist. I am just trying to organise my mind. Trying to explain it to a reader would seem like a good way of understanding it myself. 

There are a couple more things I would like to add, not necessarily relevant to the above topic but I want to type them none the less because they are true.

In my diary three months ago I wrote: "The easiest way to get into my head and make me cry is to make me think about love. Sometimes you just get the feeling of longing for someone to hug you.". At the time I thought this was a silly thought, an emotion of the time and nothing else, but fast forward to around one month ago and I find myself thinking that there was something to it. For someone who has a habit of putting the girls he find interesting on metaphorical podium before ever really getting to them, it was a somewhat overwhelming experience when I appeared to click with someone. I guess all my repressed feelings came up and I blew it. I found myself totally enamoured with someone I felt I knew, but to her I may as well have been a stranger. C'est la vie I guess. I should really learn to keep my cool.

I wonder if I should really be sharing the above? I suppose it is what's true and can only do short term damage, if any. This is no mental masochism wrapped up as catharsis. I does not pain me to put this out, I am long past doing things like that

These are all just thoughts of a wandering mind, If you read this and would like to contact me I would be happy to talk. Talking is something I'm missing a lot right now.

[some grammatical errors fixed 09/12/20]