For better or for worse? I will start typing here again

07/11/2020

One of the main things the made me hold off from writing here before was the self editing a would perform. There was also this faceless audience I created that expected a certain length of writing, with a certain level of grammatical snobbery. I would like to think I'm past those ideas, but who knows? Anyway I will write anything that is causing my mind to wander, as she so often does. There will be no set level of length, nor set level of big words.  In a way it's just typing practice.

Any way, I suppose I wouldn't be here if I didn't have anything to weep about. This week has been a series of bummers, the grand finally of which was me missing the date of the test I spent the whole week studying for. I am trying to remain optimistic, although it is challenging when I can't actually imagine a situation where I would want a job using my degree. It's all just ego and nothing else. I don't want to ditch a year and half of engineering to go do art or whatever, because something inside me says art is a dumb degree. Maybe when I eventually grow up I will be able to make decisions based on pleasure rather than pride.

On the subject of growing up, I really can't seem to get displaying my emotions to people right. I seem to always end up scaring people off by presenting myself in a weirdly full on way. Then it just becomes a game of slow replies, to the point of agony every time I try say something. If I could maybe get past obsessing over people who are nice to me maybe things wouldn't blow up in my face. 

This is all just the longings and short comings of a loveless man. My mind doesn't seem to ever want to give me a break, and nobody owes anyone a break. The dream is to be able to type my feelings, even to myself this is a challenge.

That's enough I guess, I probably could of dumped all that verbally on some poor soul within the space of two minutes. 

No proof read