Blog #7 Writing to feel the need to sleep
24/02/21
I am not usually someone who finds himself troubled with insomnia. I am of course thankful of this, since the quality of ones sleep seems to dictate the quality of ones work. Tonight is an exception, where trying sleep is painful to my psyche. I am not entirely sure how to describe the dreams I've been having but this is not the first time I have had them. They are a sort of confusing nightmare. Within these dreams there exists no horror, but I find them far more disturbing that something of that nature. It is usually something along the lines of an abstracted mathematical concept. One which I am trying to solve. The problem is the concept makes no sense and exists only as an abstraction in my mind. When I wake up and come to my senses I can never recall or describe the problem, yet the associated stress remains. Even reminding myself of the 'real' situation, I will close my eyes and within thirty seconds the problem will return. This is why I am typing here tonight. I am hoping that if I type here I will fill my mind with something else, different enough that I will be able to sleep in peace.
The usual circumstance surrounding these dreams is the time period when I'm sitting exams. I guess it's the pressure of revision that makes me have these dreams. It sounds really dumb, but as I said before, these things screw with my mind. I'll wake up sweating, in a sort of limbo between reality and sleep, I'll feel awake, except the abstract non-sensical concept will still make sense in my mind. Last night I had a normal run of the mill type nightmare; I feel like a child just writing that; and although I woke up in a panic I was able to then quickly go back to sleep. These confusing dreams mess with my whole night.
Tonight is the first night I've not just tried to power through it. There are two principle reasons for this, the first is that I am not within an exam period right now, and the second is that the confusion was not directly related to maths problems. In fact the confusion was about my love interest.
I think some background from the last week of my life will help me to convey my point better. --This is all weird to type, because in a certain distorted version of reality, the person I have a crush on, also (probably) has one on me. Ergo they may read my blog and get the ick when they realised that I'm talking about them. -- So anyway, there's this girl I've fancied since like way back in high school, and I know I was being all philosophical in my last post, but knowing is not believing and I don't know if I want to drop this pipe dream yet. I can't remember what exactly set it off but for whatever reason, the somewhat smouldering yearning I feel for her, got stoked up and I can't stop thinking about her. I think it was something along the lines of a cute picture got posted, IDK but it hit me hard. So like I've never really had the confidence to act on my emotions. I've tried a couple times but never to any great success. I got drunk (and stoned) on Saturday and sent her something (idk what) on snapchat, probably hoping for some convo but ofc I got patched. This is all just preamble for what happened on Monday.
I'd been out walking and was on my way home along what's effectively the high street in Carnoustie. I'd already run through what I was going to do if I saw her. Usual type shit, 'play it cool, be yourself'. All's easy said and done, in the comfort of your mind. So I see her driving down the street, a good bit off, and it hits me all like, 'shit! It's time to act', so the cool guy in my mind wants to wave. But instead I just like fully lock up and manage nothing. I'm not sure if she saw me or not, I was more focussed on my shame and disappointment in myself. It hit me hard. I felt like I was going to pass out, my heart did those weird palpitations that happen when you terminally fuck up. I had the full heart in the throat, light in the head and a rapid onset cold sweat combo. It was like the full strength of a dirty hangover, when you're lying on the bathroom floor and all you want is the kiss of death, and it hit me on Carnoustie high street.
So there's the backstory. I kind hope you read this and know who you are, cause then at least I'd have my heart on my sleeve and there'd be no reason to pussyfoot around.
The dream I was having tonight, was like some sort of equation of love. The weirdest part was that I solved it within the dream. It didn't make it any kinder on the mind however, I was then left in this confusing, hyper-realistic dream where I'd solved the mystery of love but for some reason my lover wasn't there.
I've been typing for nearly forty minutes, so I think I should be able to sleep now. Everywhere I've read online in the past says that confessing your love for someone is a bad idea, but I can't see how. Maybe I should just try a bit of simping. Maybe I should avoid the possible ego damage and continue my quasi-safe lifestyle.
I've no proof read tonight (for obvious reasons), but I may come back for it.
If you're a female and into guys I would ask you to consider the male perspective when they pop up to you. It's just as scary for me to break the ice as it is for you.
Thanks for reading. X
